6.27.2011

These moms are NUTS!

Today my boys had (yet) another event/potluck/picture day for their swim team.  I'm telling you having your kids on a swim team in Northern Virginia is, in itself, a fool full-time job.  I'm all for having my kids in activities, but this is getting borderline ridiculous from a time investment point of view.  But I digress.

For this event, all parents were tasked with bringing something to the potluck.  My wife then informs me that we were assigned the responsibility of bringing donuts.  DONUTS!?!  To a paleo person, that's akin to bringing a carton of Marlboro Lights. SMOKE UP JOHNNY!  But whatever, I kept my mouth shut and agreed to do so, because in some moron's mind, donuts somehow constitute a nutritional breakfast for growing children.  (remember the hardest part of Primal Living: don't preach)

Anywhoo, so I show up to this little shindig with our pack of cigarrettes box of donuts and I had to machete my way through carb-filled, grain-infested foods...4 tables worth.  I wish I had a chance to photo the tables, because you all would have flipped your paleolithic lids!  Bran muffins, cupcakes, potatoes, fruit, fruit slathered in whipped cream, sugar, and syrup.  My head was about to explode.  However, that wasn't the worst part.

Typical plates at this breakfast potluck.

 
mmmm...diabetes cha cha cha!

Much to my horror, I walk up to the donut station to hand it to one of the volunteer parents only to find 3 long lawn chairs (the 7 foot long kind) laid out and completely topped with donuts.  I mean, every variety you can imagine, 2,3,4 stories high worth of boxes.  It was insane!  The local Dunkin' Donuts must've been like "What the F is going on around here?"  So I hand the mom my contributed box of Camels Donuts, and she pauses and looks at me judgementally.

From there, the conversation goes a little something like this:
Her: "Uh-oh, did you bring gloves?"
Me: (puzzled) "Gloves?  Are you sick?"
Her: "No, because of the contamination?"
Me: "Is there some kind of donut e. coli recall?  I'm sorry I haven't been watching the news."
Her: "No, because of the nuts"  (We had peanuts on 2 of the donuts)
Me:  "Uh, no..are you expecting someone to go in to anaphylaxic shock?"
Her:  Looking at me like I'm crazy.
Me:  Looking at her like she's an uneducated dipshit.
Her:  Places it on the ground several feet behind the recently assembled "Great Wall of Donuts."
Me:  Shakes head, walks away, says out loud "Read a book".

Forgive my smugness, but these people are out of their ever-loving minds.  Never mind the mound of sugar-filled poison you have in front of you.  Never mind the fact that I'm surround by obese kids, many prediabetic, with ADD, piling sweets on their plate(s).  Never mind the fact that we have meat, and cold eggs sitting at 80 degrees, in the sun, out in the open, with flies and gnats crawling on them.  Never mind that the percentages of MRSA and VRE colonized hands touching said food are abound in greater amounts than peanuts.  But YOU'RE concerned with PEANUT ALLERGIES?!?!

Only 1% of the US has nut allergies.  Less than 1% of have the potential for anaphalaxic reaction (as opposed to small allergic reactions)  Less than 1% of the anaphalaxic reactions result in death.  And those percentages are based on "Nut Allergies" not even Peanut allergies.  So the numbers for peanut-only allergies are even more favorable.  Paranoid much?

And as for the contamination factor, the percentages of reaction to trace amounts (proteins that travel into the air from donuts with peanuts onto other donuts) are ridiculously small.  And to have a sensitivity to peanuts so severe that trace amounts would cause a deadly reaction are probably so small, it's hardly quantifiable.  And if your child DOES have such a problem, you'd know, and you certainly wouldn't be at an outdoor potluck at a public pool.  That in itself would be neglect.

Only 150 people died of severe food allergies and thats ALL foods (not just peanuts).  Out of 307 Million (most recent census) that's .0000000488924% of the total population .  Again, that's not even considering the fact that we are talking about peanut allergies only, and the issue of trace exposure anaphalaxis.  For that you'd may have to put maybe 10-20 more zeros at the front of that figure.  (Just a guess)

You're MORE likely to win the lottery lady.  I don't mean to be jerky, or perhaps I do, but this is why I feel that people really need to educate themselves on the subjects they hear about in the media, especially if you're going to spend the energy being the peanut police.  Read a book.

So, with that in mind, here are a list of ways that her child is more likely to die:
Car accident.
Plane crash.
Lightning strike.
Shark attack.
Boating accident.
Exposure to the cold.
Exposure to the heat.
Skateboarding accident.
Drowning at a public pool.  (which is where we were at)
A terrorist bombing.

We are the only country with this insane peanut allergy hysteria.  Yes, these moms are nuts.

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